End of year

Interesting year 2015 it seems in review.

Intense physical pain from back problems.

Had to take painkiller-Oxycodone and CBDs(prescribed with AZ card)-and muscle relaxer methylcarbamol.

Also I got facet site injections and epidural blocks which have served to cut the pain tremendously. I am down to two pain pills per day and looking at reducing to one. The CBDs help tremendously with physical relaxations and pain reduction. As of today I have gone to a pain level of 3 from a non medicated level of 8. All under physician care I might add. Lost some inches and some weight and am losing more.

My belief transition in addiction has helped tremendously. I am sure my old “friends” in the “program” would call me loaded because I am using cannabinoids to kill pain, however, I am using them sparingly after work and on weekends with little impairment and little to no alteration of consciousness. So IMO I am still clean as I am not using recreationally.

I really care little about what people think and strive not to take any of it personally. I do know that my health is the number one priority and I have the empowerment to not use addictively. If I crave anything, I stop myself.

I realize cravings only last about ninety seconds until they fade away.

Looking back on the year, there are too many things which have happened and even as I write down what occurred as it happened, when I read it again my perception of the events have changed the memory. At this conclusion, I can only move forward in the NOW. Since really, NOW is what counts and what works to shape the future.

Once again, no God(s), no religion, no “spirituality”, none of the contrived nonsense…I do much better admitting fantasy and remaining skeptical of what people call reality.

For you still wrestling with Addiction and addiction recovery…please realize all of this is choice. There are strategies available to overcome addiction beliefs and thinking and be free of it permanently. A great wealth of information is out there and many Facebook groups and pages with real support from those recovered and those grasping the idea of no disease vs choice.

Hang in there.

Here are some of the groups I like:


The Case for abstinence

I do practice gratitude.  It helps me stay positive in the face of negative circumstances.

I am grateful to myself that I got clean and stayed clean.  Since then I have had many opportunities to use drugs, including alcohol.  For me, drugs are still a dead end street.  I have no use for getting fucked up on them. I proved to myself, they stopped working for me and I don’t want to alter my consciousness through them.  In fact, my consciousness gets plenty of alteration from changing emotional states.  

Drugs make me paranoid-even marijuana.  Alcohol plays hell with my stomach.  I am not looking for physical annoyances or upsets, so I am better off staying off drugs.  I have several other rationalizations why I don’t need them. People in the fellowships still don’t want to give themselves credit for getting and staying clean…they seem to always have to credit something else rather than themselves.  While they may think this is humility, it actually serves as a deterrent to positive self worth.  Instead of moving on to better social circles composed of emotionally healthy people they hang around to perpetuate the cultist thinking.

On the other side of the fence, there are those who really want to use and do.  I have no problem with this, except I don’t want to.  Almost everyone of them I see get stoned have personality changes which are unsavory and not nearly as engaging as when they are clean.

I also realize that some may be self medicating because they have some chemical imbalances which need alteration, many of which are solved by exercise and mindfulness meditation.  While I support your right to alter yourself.  I may not like your company and will avoid you.

Recently I have seen intoxicated people doing irrational behaviors and making fools out of themselves and I have excused myself from their company.  On the other side I cannot stand the company of steppers either, particularly when they commence dialog in program speak.

Faith or fate?

Faith or fate?

One more useless easy to discard noun:



noun \ˈfāth\

: strong belief or trust in someone or something

: belief in the existence of God : strong religious feelings or beliefs

: a system of religious beliefs

plural faiths

\ˈfāths, sometimes ˈfāthz\

Full Definition of FAITH


a :  allegiance to duty or a person :  loyalty

b (1) :  fidelity to one’s promises (2) :  sincerity of intentions


a (1) :  belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) :  belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) :  firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) :  complete trust


:  something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially:  a system of religious beliefs <the Protestant faith>

on faith

:  without question <took everything he said on faith>


Oh we must protest here!

Firstly, we have thrown out trust; baby, bathwater and all!

We can only go on a person’s reliability. When they give their word to do something, do they keep it and how consistently it happens.

Most atheists I have encountered-there have been hundreds-attempted God and religion to no avail. No amount of praying and openmindedness reveal a God who had their back. On a good day, some folks showed up to help and usually the person got their strategy together and succeeded. Other times no amount of faithful practice and belief resulted in a desired outcome…why? There IS NO GOD except the bullshit in your head.

Certainly there is no Judeo-Christian(lol, previously demonstrated as an erroneous term), Abrahamic God. No Jesus ever existed

( www.jesusneverexisted.com ).

Have no faith in the Lord, except below my belt line when I love you my dear. For he is the Lord of the night and pleasure and the true strength of the flesh!!!

The Lord of the Old and New Testaments is a mixed bag, really a mish mosh of Old Mesopotamian deities and Hellenistic and Egyptian dying gods. All a contrivance. Maybe good for some old fashioned hijacking of entity workings…most of which will not find its way into the minds of the muggles. All bullshit contrived for your paternal yearnings.

So much of this garbage is extolled by women, sometimes I think it’s their daddy complex and their wanting to be saved by someone. Oh my princess, await my coming to your rescue.

Males may be worse, since they will use anything to gain advantage or validation…opportunism abounds.

So let’s dispense with faith maybe except- b (1)fidelity to one’s promises (2) :  sincerity of intentions.


Enough written about this shit. And I mean no insult to shit, which does have good use sometimes.



noun \ˈfāt\

: a power that is believed to control what happens in the future

: the things that will happen to a person or thing : the future that someone or something will have

This one gets me wondering…

The first one is kinda scary and may have some roots in faith, especially in a negative intent.

Maybe the second one has more plausibility?

Maybe it’s something to get experienced after the acceptance of faith and a God toilet of predestination?

Maybe it’s just another bullshit term best rooted in dismissal?

Certainly if we dismiss faith we may not consider our fates after the fact????

Addiction Recovery disease style is bullshit


There’s no proof.

Addiction is not a disease. The practice of addiction behaviors can cause changes in the brain and subsequent diseases of the body, including the brain. Still, thus far all attempts by science to prove addiction a disease don’t hold up with a 95% confidence limit.

This is precisely why some of the most “hopeless” cases stop their addiction and live free of the drug behaviors-some even all addictive behaviors. Other times people still seem to be seeking an alteration of their moods through drugs. Oddly enough, most have superior chemistry endogenous to them, which if turned on and worked with is superior to exogenous means of mood alteration. For example, I found the enkephalin release in orgasm to be far superior to exogenous opiates. I have found numerous ways of supplementing brain chemistry without having to take anything.

Cultists of the 12 Step variety bore me and have become mostly bovine herd followers, very rarely taking credit for their progress and empowerments which led them out of addictive behavior to healthier patterns and lifestyle. At this point they are to be dismissed. Recently, an old lady friend whom I would have loved to dated and had an intimate relationship with got pissed off because I laughed at her not making a date for me to attend an NA speaker meeting and dance. When I asked her about this she told me she owed her “recovery” to NA, when actually she got clean for quite some time before ever attending a meeting and her abstinence, while she may believe it a result of NA steps, sponsors, meeting attendance and support, actually comes from her will to remain clean and change some of her ways of thinking.

I understand this belief well.

For years it was my belief. In fact, she attempted to challenge me by saying my “recovery” was due to my years in NA. I know now there was nothing to recover from except the belief I had about addiction being an incurable disease. Addiction patterns I have had were due to choices I made regarding drug use and other behaviors. I no longer make those choices. I have been addiction free for many years.

I did have a lot of emotional PTSD type issues which kept me trapped in loops which made me want to self-medicate. I had a lot of patterns triggered by victim thinking and avoidance of feelings and grief. Now, once I have learned to allow my feelings to process and grieve the urge to self-medicate is gone. I have seen this in many others.   Particularly in those who used to come to NA and have left for many years for better ways of living than those offered by the cult. The cult offers a false sense of comfort in its socialization and “peer support” offerings. However, this support is mostly tainted with religiosity and erroneous beliefs which hold addicts back from overcoming addiction and truly gaining freedom from the behaviors by resolving traumas and replacing addiction patterns with life enhancing patterns…some belief firmly they attained this from the 12 Steps, however most I have seen got this from therapies mixed with the few empowering statements from other “recoverers” and their experiences. Most of this I found at odds with the direct interpretations of the Steps. Most of this seems to get modified by the former addict with pop psychology and other New Agey bullshit. And, when criticized, the retorts are usually of the same apologist nature I encountered in my conversation with the woman of question here.

And while I have retained some of the remnants of old friendships from the NA fellowship, I do not share their beliefs nor do I acknowledge them as having validity in conversations. Many times I challenge the beliefs and slogans, deconstructing them on the spot.

All of this shows an interesting side to human nature and its set to fail ideologies. I have come to suspect that the desire to self-destruct, even under the pretexts of recovery are too rife with suicidal tendencies to have much redeeming value.

In passing, if some of you old acquaintances from the rooms read this and take offense, I am glad. This is meant to shake you up and offend you to action.

The action you ought to take will consist of not taking any criticisms of yourself or the “program” personally.

When you do this, you abandon yourself for a cause which has little reward except what you’ve had to manufacture to stay in it.

Piss on the program, the meetings, the 12 steps, and most of all the cultist thinking which led myself and so many others astray for too long.

Kudos to all the empowerment many of us have acknowledged and recognized in ourselves and others in stepping toward real self-love and away from self-deprecation.







Oi, I find I must consult various definitions:


: the quality or state of being concerned with religion or religious matters : the quality or state of being spiritual

Okay? Bizarre origins of the
world’s most recognized word. »

plural spir·i·tu·al·i·ties

Full Definition of SPIRITUALITY


:  something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such


:  clergy


:  sensitivity or attachment to religious values


:  the quality or state of being spiritual

See spirituality defined for English-language learners


There is no single, agreed-upon definition of spirituality.[1][2][note 1] Surveys of the definition of the term, as used in scholarly research, show a broad range of definitions, with very limited similitude.[3]

It may denote almost any kind of meaningful activity[4][note 2] or blissful experience.[6] It denotes a process of transformation, but in a context separate from organized religious institutions, termed “spiritual but not religious“.[7] In modern times the emphasis is on subjective experience.[8] Houtman and Aupers suggest that modern spirituality is a blend of humanistic psychology, mystical and esoteric traditions and eastern religions.[9]

And finally, something from a web page:

What Is Spirituality?


Spirituality is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life. As such, it is a universal human experience—something that touches us all. People may describe a spiritual experience as sacred or transcendent or simply a deep sense of aliveness and interconnectedness…”
To me, this term is overused and too generalized to have any real meaning other than a trashy abstraction.

When I went to 12 Step meetings (23 years with great consistency) in the Narcotics Anonymous (NA) fellowship, the water of meaning got terrifically cultist MUDDY. Over the years I had some people tell me I was a very spiritual person and yet I was-in my last ten years there-an avowed atheist. I finally came out against the theistic nature of the “Steps” and their, in my experience and the experience of many I encountered who’d left “the Program”-great lack of efficacy. The only real results from them I got came from common sense rational thinking appearing like bits of corn in the shit members called literature…unfortunately, the dysfunctional inheritance of cult belief obtained from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) make many view these writings as some form of scripture, inspired by “GOD”, a power greater than ourselves found in the steps which arrests addiction and heals addicts from their “shortcomings”. Commonality in these erroneous-for the most part-beliefs creates the sense of connectedness between addicts which makes some of them think a loving, caring God has something to do with this when actually it may really come from people and their sense of human values known, I think, in those circles as spiritual principles. However, the cultist obeisance enforced by self-deprecating beliefs rooted in the Calvinist style adherence to Original Sin which came from AA ruin any possibility of broad appeal on a rational, factual level.

On a larger scale we see the search for the meaning of life from the philosophical concept which posits that humans are born “good”. This has spawned numerous religiosities and New Age practices which have little value except, IMO, to break away from. The real value here comes from learning the ability to create one’s own meaning by splicing various techniques and practices from religious and “spiritual” regimens.

On a magical level, I find religions and “spiritualities” abhorrent when they breed a cultist mentality. This is not to negate the value of adopting a paradigm as such and finding full immersion in it to glean mastery of the useful techniques there for use in synthesis of the magical operator’s magical tool box.

I have found more value in a temporary full immersion in beliefs and techniques, using them to synthesize innovative, new paradigms to obtain results contributing to the overall purpose of the operator. In this sense, spirituality is just another set of religious paradigms which may or may not have any usefulness.

Belief in a God or Gods when concretized may create a blind adherence to unrealistic ideals and beliefs which may create problems in the world due to the abandonment of rational practical problem solving and solutions strategies.

Along these lines we find a preoccupation with the term “soul”. Once again, I think, is a set of nebulous interpretations having little use when abstracted into a consensus generalization for use in religions and cults.

On a good day we may, at some point, technology permitting, redefine and rename this to represent some seemingly immortal information stream or “ocean of consciousness” devoid of individual human egos. Perhaps there may occur an energy or information stream to which the ALL finds an ever-present interconnectedness. I have always liked the concept of KIA and the spark, the inherent life force, which may or may not be akin to Manna or the connectedness which seemingly is the cosmic glue holding it all together.

Then again all this may wind up abstractions in the limited views produced by human perceptions of “reality”.

More to come…


New strategies for overcoming addiction…

Rather than therapy(which can help if result oriented, as process oriented is not so effective, is too costly, and takes too long), 12 Step Programs, and of course religion and spirituality.  Here comes a new strategy based on my own habit breaking techniques and those gleaned from others…

This is a basic treatise on this…I may cover each in depth in further blogs…

1.  Garner complete self acceptance without judgment.

this may seem overwhelming for those believing they have little self worth and lots of self deprecation.  A good technique can have great effect by writing down this problem and how you would advise yourself to get out of it.  Myriad ways that work are easily accessible in free books and on the internet.  Another useful technique is to find friends, associates, and family who care for you and have them tell you your positive character traits while you write them down…you can now make a list of these, stare into the mirror before bed and prefix each with the short phrase-I am-saying them out loud while staring deeply into your eyes…prefix these with the vocalized affirmation…I now completely accept myself without judgment…after this write down how this will cause you to change into a person loving oneself unconditionally

2.  Admit you have a harmful habit-look into it, explore it, write about how this has affected you and what your life will be like without it.

Very important: write out how you will break the habit love yourself and manage your affairs…

3.  Find people who will support you without judgment who will listen to you and only give you feedback when you ask for it.


4.  Learn a form of mindfulness meditation, exercise moderately, adjust to a healthy, toxic free diet—do this in ways that fit and produce beneficial results.

5.  Develop a completely new lifestyle away from the addiction supporting lifestyle. 

Write down what the old life was like and how your new life will reflect new beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, and a supportive environment.  Walk through this in the future from successful behaviors yourself or even others you identify with have used to make great success in this, even when you practiced the old addiction habit.  In practice of the new beliefs and behaviors give ourselves kudos and accolades whenever we have made progress…take stock of the progress and add to it in developing more productive future outcomes.


More on this shit later…

Water drops on green leaf

Water drops on green leaf